Surviving domestic abuse
How to read the stories

Surviving domestic abuse

When someone leaves a relationship where they have been experiencing domestic abuse, the most important first step is getting safe. Even once the abuse has stopped, and the abuser has faced legal sanctions, survivors will face many emotional and practical difficulties. It is important that people receive good support to help them make a new start.

Domestic abuse may leave a person with significant financial difficulties. This could be because money was controlled or misused by their partner, or because they have had to leave a job or another source of income and support. They may have had to leave a home situation quickly, leaving behind personal property and valuables. It is important that a survivor can get good financial advice, including advice about eligible benefits and grants, so that they can support themselves and any children.

Survivors may also need support with housing. Refuge housing is usually fixed-term, and shared. It provides safety, and often peer support and help to access services, but it is not a stable home. In the medium and longer term, people will need to find and establish a new place of their own.

Domestic abuse may affect a person’s physical health too. Physical injuries, health conditions that have not been looked after properly, or poor diet and lifestyle can cause short or long-term health problems. Someone experiencing domestic abuse may not have seen a GP for some time. They may need time and supportive services to help them prioritise their physical health again.

Emotional recovery

One of the most significant long-term effects of domestic abuse may be on the mental health of the victim. Research indicates that the majority of women using mental health services have suffered some form of domestic abuse. Many may be dependent on alcohol or drugs and need to access services to support them to recover from that dependency.

Even once their situation has stabilised, survivors may experience many difficult feelings:

• loss or grief

• anger

• loneliness

• lack of confidence

• low self-esteem

• anxiety

• depression.

If the person who has been abused has an intellectual disability or communication difficulty, they may express their pain in different ways, for example through behaviour which seems inappropriate, or which their supporters or friends find difficult to deal with. They may need

support from a specialist psychotherapy service or Community Learning Disability Team to communicate about their experiences in a way that helps them begin to recover.

Lasting emotional support and often therapy, such as counselling, is crucial in helping any domestic abuse survivor to recover well. In psychodynamic psychotherapy and counselling a therapeutic relationship is built up between client and therapist. This can be particularly important for people who have experienced abusive intimate relationships all their lives. The therapeutic relationship becomes a first chance to experience a trusting, safe relationship, and it can become a useful part of helping to support someone to change their

relationship patterns. The therapy sessions also provide an opportunity for the person to discuss what is happening in their life, working out what is okay in their ‘real life’ relationships and what isn’t, and to think about how they can bring about changes if they are unhappy with the way things are.

Building confidence for the future

One of the best ways to help people keep safe in relationships is to help them to build up their confidence and self-esteem. This can happen in a number of ways.

Getting active, taking up new hobbies or relearning old ones, and learning ways to relax and treat themselves well, can help increase a person’s mental wellbeing and begin to change the way they think about their life. Learning new skills, like budgeting or work skills, can build self-esteem and also support independence and resilience in the future.

Group support can be very helpful to people who have experienced domestic abuse, creating opportunities to share experiences, as well as to talk about relationships and ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ways of treating one another. Groups can engage in drama and role play to explore how people relate to one another and to work out the difference between unhealthy and healthy relationships. Role play can offer people the opportunity to try out ways of responding to different situations. This can be like a rehearsal so that it becomes easier to be assertive in real relationships.

If you or someone you know has survived domestic abuse, it may be hard to imagine a good and healthy relationship in the future, but these relationships can and do happen. If you are supporting someone with an intellectual disability, it is important not to protect them from the possibility of future relationships. They need to establish safe habits and a positive self-image that will help protect them in the long term whether they are in a relationship or not.

How to read the stories

There is no right or wrong way to read the stories.

Some people are not used to reading stories. Start at the beginning and read the story in each picture. Encourage the reader to move through the pages at their own pace.
Encourage the person to tell the story in their own words. You will discover what they think is happening, what they already know, and how they feel. If you are using the pictures to help explain a procedure to someone, you may need to describe or clarify the actions being shown in each picture to help them understand. Try not to challenge the reader(s) or suggest their ideas are wrong.
Some pictures may be more difficult to understand. It can help to prompt the people you are supporting, for example:
• Who do you think that is?
• What is happening?
• How is he or she feeling?
• Do you feel like that? Has it happened to you/ your friend/ your family?
Allow people enough time to follow the pictures at their own pace. Allow time for discussion of each picture.
Some people may benefit from reading the larger story from which the extract has been taken. This will allow them to explore their feelings and experiences in more depth. To buy the complete book, follow the link to the bookshop that appears at the end of the story.