Behaviour and emotions
How to read the stories

Behaviour and emotions

One of the hardest things for all victims of rape is feeling bad, dirty and unlovable. People often feel it must be their fault. That takes a long while to work through. If your body has been hurt and you feel dirty then you do not like your body and you do not like a new house. You feel too sad and dirty. Thinking about sexual abuse can hurt the body and mind. Lots of people are told to keep it a secret. That makes them feel even worse. Sometimes they show their hurt by staying away from people and not wanting to be friendly. Sometimes people show their hurt by getting too friendly with lots of people to try and drown their memories. They may get confused about their own sexual wishes and don’t know if they are allowed to say no. Others don’t know if they are allowed to say yes. Saying yes to the right person helps someone recover and to feel lovable again.

Lots of women hurt themselves or things around them when their bodies and minds have been hurt by abuse. Sometimes telling about abuse and rape can bring the memories back even stronger. Sometimes people remember it in their heads like a film that will not stop, and it can wake them up at night too. Sometimes they cannot eat or they eat too much or they do not feel like washing.

Things people often say

“It happened to me because I’m bad.”

Answer: No, but this is what all victims are made to feel.

“It happened to me because I have a learning disability.”

Answer: No, it happens to large numbers of girls, boys, men and women without learning disabilities too. It happens to people all over the world.

“It’s my fault, because I like him/her and thought I could trust them.”

Answer: Abusers are not just all bad. They can be very nice and kind when they are not in an abusing state of mind.

“It’s my fault because I didn’t say no or stop it happening, even though I knew I didn’t want it to happen.”

Answer: Sometimes the abuser will say that his victim wanted sex and enjoyed it. But it’s hard to tell someone to stop, especially if you are frightened or confused and don’t understand what is happening to you.

“He said I enjoyed it because I had an orgasm, but I was terrified.”

Answer: A lot of women have an orgasm when they are being raped. It is the body’s clever way of surviving by finding a different feeling to deal with the fear and pain. This is very different from an orgasm that comes from pleasure or love.

“I could never have sex again because I am dirty.”

Answer: No. A medical examination will help you to know what has physically happened to your body, and talking to friends or a therapist will help you to look at what has happened to your mind. After you have washed there is no sign of what has happened. It is in your mind that you still feel dirty. Of course if the rape came when you were a virgin, it has changed you in a different way, because now you are not a virgin. If you got an infection from the person who raped you, this will need medical treatment before you can have sex with anyone else.

How to read the stories

There is no right or wrong way to read the stories.

Some people are not used to reading stories. Start at the beginning and read the story in each picture. Encourage the reader to move through the pages at their own pace.
Encourage the person to tell the story in their own words. You will discover what they think is happening, what they already know, and how they feel. If you are using the pictures to help explain a procedure to someone, you may need to describe or clarify the actions being shown in each picture to help them understand. Try not to challenge the reader(s) or suggest their ideas are wrong.
Some pictures may be more difficult to understand. It can help to prompt the people you are supporting, for example:
• Who do you think that is?
• What is happening?
• How is he or she feeling?
• Do you feel like that? Has it happened to you/ your friend/ your family?
Allow people enough time to follow the pictures at their own pace. Allow time for discussion of each picture.
Some people may benefit from reading the larger story from which the extract has been taken. This will allow them to explore their feelings and experiences in more depth. To buy the complete book, follow the link to the bookshop that appears at the end of the story.